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Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far. It’s been an emotional day, ……..even the cake is in tiers. I would like to start by thanking the lovely bridesmaid …………. I’m sure you will agree she has carried out her role superbly; I would also like to thank the ushers…… for at least turning up sober. If we could all raise our glasses to the bridesmaid! I would like you to turn your attention now to the bride Cathy who im sure you will all agree looks one in a million today …as opposed to Alan who looks like he was won in a raffle. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is John and I’m Alan’s best mate. What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings, a man who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen.
A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and where none can say a bad word against him? But enough about me, what I`m really here for this afternoon is to talk about Alan. As the best man I decided it was only right that I take this huge responsibility seriously, so I have spent long sleepless nights searching the internet and reading books and now understand my duties to be; To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good Well 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. After all I’m best man, not a plastic surgeon! In one of the books I read there was a list of things I should and should not say in my speach…here goes;
Well failing that I have some words of advice on marriage for you here Alan: Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women… or fractions!
To help the course of true love run smoothly never forget those three very important words you must say every day……. “you’re right dear.”
I have been asked by Alan and Cathy to thank you all for coming and the gifts that you have so generously donated. I must say I struggled to decide what to get, I wanted to give Alan something he genuinely needed, but it’s such a struggle to figure out how to wrap a bath! Alan and Cathy have also asked me to thank the staff at the Liner hotel for helping them with their special day, I’m sure you will agree that it has been lovely. I have known Alan now for a long time and I will honestly say that he has never looked happier.
Alan and I met at work in Hardacres, I know a few of the lads are around today and don’t worry I’ll keep all my embarrassing stories focused on Alan, like the time he fell face first in to the grave or the time he ????? and I’ll never forget the time he bent over the hearse and we all heard this Rip right in front on the mourners….big split right down the middle of his kecks……Oh wait no forget that last story!! So to wrap this up, I’d just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it’s about finding someone you can’t live without.
It has been a great honour to serve as Alan’s best man today and I’m pleased that he has finally admitted who is the better man! Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Alan and Cathy, we wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.